Stuck In The Middle Podcast
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I look in the mirror twisting and turning, examining this body of mine, I grab any lump, pull up on loss skin, suck in my gut, hold my breath, and pose in a manner that would make me look 20 pounds lighter. I starve, eating one or two meals a day and drinking only water the rest and maybe some veggies in between. I run or walk depending on how motivated I feel at the moment. I spend an absurd amount of money for a 7 day gym membership, only to attend 3 days out of the week, depending on my schedule. I spend hours of my free time watching others workout, learning new ways to burn my fat, wishing my body was tone and lean. I read blogs upon blogs educating myself on different body types and how to lose weight based on my body type, then I read more blogs about how others stuck to their goals and how easy it was for them to lose weight and stay fit. I obsess and depress my soul, hoping I will one day fall under a “normal body range”. 

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“Going to the gym or staying away from fast food is one way I celebrate my body” – someone   

Then I relapse, slinging back like a rubber band. Months of hard work get swept under the rug. I eat, burgers, fries, and chicken wings and drink lots of strawberry frosted lemonade shakes from chick-fil-a. Those single ice cream tubs I walked past the frozen aisle last week are buy one get one free, I take 8 minutes to devour 1 in the car before heading home. I skip gym days, running, walking, or any strenuous activity that will need any serious muscle action I stray away from, instead I spend my time eating popcorn and chips. On the days I don't feel my best, I cover up wearing baggy clothes and staying away from the mirror, only to hide my guilt and shame. On My confident days I wear clothes that compliment my body, jeans that hold me right, and flare black shirts that slim me down but also hide the gut that falls below me. But through those days, confident or not confident the thought of my weight still remains weighing heavy on my shoulder. The comments I receive from others about how big I look or how unhealthy I look, make me feel ashamed and honestly sad.

 “Loose clothes or lots of black, basically anything that makes me look thinner”. – Someone

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It has taken me years to love the body I live in. Still an ongoing battle to see myself as beautiful, in a world full of misrepresentations of women who have the body shape of an hourglass, ya know Kim K or the Blac Chyna. Don’t get me wrong a body like that I would be killing the IG model game, 2k for one Instagram post. I have to jump back to reality, half those bodies are bought, surgically enhanced, and lord knows I hate needles. I mean do you blame me, we live in a time of perfection and acceptance. We accept “all” and shame “none”, but no, we don't like unhealthy people, they promote unsafe beauty standards. No one wants a fat girl or boy, he or she might rob you of your money because all they want to do is eat out. They take up too much space, they are depressed and angry, and are very unhealthy.   

“We should accept and appreciate all body types” - C. Finjap

According to medical professionals aka my doctors, I am extremely obese, with a BMI of 37.8. My doctors say I have to lose 40 or more pounds from my initial weight, which I will not list for the sake of mother’s blood pressure. Every doctor visit starts and ends with the side effects of bearing this unhealthy body of mine, how it increases my chances of a heart attack, diabetes, high cholesterol, and other fear causing factors. My doctor once demanded I lose weight before my next visit, I came back 2 pounds heavier. Opps.

“Just caring for yourself is enough” - S.Ruiz 

You might be thinking, is this chick serious? YES, I take my health very seriously thank you very much. I may not look like it, but I do. We can't all justify our healthy habit based on eating vegetables and fruits, and working out one hour out of our day. There are many ways one like me can live a healthy lifestyle. Staying away from fast food and anything that is high in calories. Drinking plenty of water, limiting the juice and drinking no sodas. Consider some activity, it may not be going to the gym but a simple walk around the neighborhood before sundown or sunrise. Just to name a few simple things that I have tried to do, the results might not show, but my body feels great. I have plenty of energy when I wake up in the morning and plenty of energy to last me through the day.  

“Drink a lot of water” - M. F 

Things were never like this. I had a “healthy body” once upon a blue moon. I was lean, skinny with a flat tummy, and a great ass, no cellulite in sight. I had the easy to shop for size, things weren't limited, they were cheaper, and they fit better. I got compliments about my body's physic, I felt good.  Then I started to “blow up” someone once told me. Now I’m called fat and told this is not good, and to go back to my “regular” size. To all who feel this way, I wish there were a time machine to make us all happy. But there is not, so we will all have to dwell in the reality that is me.  

“Before it was my own family and tbh social media, I got mad depressed” - E.Tawoes

I am not writing this to justify why I'm choosing to settle with my body or to praise big people. I am writing this to express the challenges of being big, the difficulties of trying to win but only losing. I am a working progress, love my body today and maybe not tomorrow. I am not giving up, I know my limits, and I know what saturated fat is. My body may not be the healthiest, be at its finest, or shaped like an hourglass. I battle with losing, loving, and embracing the curves I have. It doesn't happen overnight, this is a month’s maybe years in the making. So, I say this to all who battle with their weight, give yourself a break, look in the mirror twist and turn, examine that body of yours, grab any lump, don’t suck in that gut, breath, and pose in a manner that empowers you. When you're done, hug all your imperfections because they are perfection.

A little message to those who shame fat people, next time you open your mouth to talk about someone's weight, bite your tongue. You may not know what they are going through, the pressures they are facing, the feeling of shame, embarrassment, disappointment, and maybe even worse depression.  

“Your body is your temple, to all my big girls you are beautiful.” –N. Mba

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