African Aunties, DO BETTER!!!
Aunty, you are the primary enabler of the predatory behaviors that are perpetuated by “Uncles”. You are the gatekeeper of the toxicity that allows for your daughters to continue in the sick cycle of abuse. You raise your sons to think that they are entitled to women’s bodies; meanwhile, you raise your daughters to think that they have no control over their bodies. You fail to teach your daughters about their sexual reproductive health and provide them with zero knowledge on how to care for their reproductive system. You victim blame and victim shame them because they are female. You tell them to change clothes when a certain “Uncle” enters the house, instead of refusing to allow such “Uncle” into your home. You turn a blind eye when things like rape, abuse, and sexual assault happen and in doing so, you play into toxic masculinity. For that, we ask you to DO BETTER!!
The title “Aunty” is a very prestigious title in the African community because it holds with its power and prestige. Being called an Aunty means you are respected; it also validates your authoritative position in the community. Some attributes of an African Aunties are that aunties are motivating, nurturing, inspiring, and strong.
As African women, we are conditioned to adhere to one specific type of strength, it is a strength that glorifies suffering in silence. This type of strength conditions us to endure hardship and ignore our mental, physical, and emotional health. This unhealthy idea of strength serves as the pathway into solidifying our [African women’s] womanhood. Women are also raised to shoulder the burden without complaint, “My dear, as a woman you have to endure.” Endure because somehow your strength as a woman is measured by how much you can take and for how long you are able to deal with it.
Well, Aunties, we are here to educate you about a second type of strength which allows for a woman to leave unhealthy relationships without being ridiculed by the community. This strength does not deem a woman unfit when she chooses to create her own path. This type of strength allows you to stand up for your daughters, fight for their right of autonomy, and give them a voice. It allows you to validate their existence by introducing them to healthier types of strength.
It is safe to say that many Aunties have experienced abuse as they were growing up. They were taught by their mothers to “be silent; they were taught to forget about it”; they were called “liars”; they were told “Ashia”; they were told to just move on! No consequences befell their perpetrators. Some of them even dealt with abuse in their homes daily and some of it was again reinforced by the women in their lives. African women often found themselves and still do find themselves in the toxic cycle of going through abuse as children and then growing up to raise men that are unaccountable for their actions. They codify the behavior in their partners, and they instill it in their sons.
In the African community, you also see a pattern of behavior in which African Aunties rate themselves based on how much pain and suffering they can withstand. That shows other women and young girls that endurance is the name of the game; “oh you want a successful marriage and a successful home? My dear, you’ll have to persevere through the beatings, the lies, the cheating, and the blatant disrespect…”
There is also a habit of teaching young girls from a very young age to cower into themselves. “You have to act like a lady, be meek, be meager, and be respectful.” Women are discouraged from exploring their personalities; instead, they are expected to fall in line and again act like a lady.
The reality is that, as adults, we constantly must learn and unlearn patterns of behavior. If we want to end the cycle of abuse, we as African women and future aunties will have to unlearn those patterns of behavior of NOT holding some men accountable for their predatory behavior. Furthermore, we must raise sons that understand boundaries, consent, and the idea of treating women with equal respect.
Notwithstanding, we do want to take the time out to shout out the Aunties that are creating safe spaces for young women. We applaud the Aunties that are allowing young girls/women to share their experiences of growing into womanhood as well as their traumas from growing up. We commend you for not giving into societal pressure and taking the step towards liberating women. We want to shout out the Aunties that are taking the time to educate their daughters about recognizing and reporting abuse. We also would like to embrace the African Aunties that are allowing young women/girls to grow into themselves without the added societal boundaries. We see you; We appreciate you; We love you! Thank you for doing better!
In the end, we ask that all African women come together as a united front in order to combat toxic masculinity. Much Love!