What Do You Do When...?
They say; April showers bring May flowers. It is still showering/raining in May. I pray these are showers of blessings because, with the condition of the world at this time, we need to hold on to the slightest glimpse of hope.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month; I used to think it was October. World Mental Health Day is on October 10th. Raising awareness about mental health involves fighting stigma, providing support, educating the public, and advocating for policies that support individuals with mental health challenges and their families.
A sequel from my previous blog post… Have you been or are you on a journey to something non-traditional in your culture, society, community, home? It doesn’t have to be work-related.
Reflecting on some challenges I have experienced, not directly mental health-related but affected my mental wellness. Background story; a journey to a non-traditional profession in the African community. The first month of grad school was so challenging that it was the first time I thought of giving-up/dropping out. Prior to my grad school experience, I used to make the statement that the only reason I would ever try the Insanity Workout by Shaun T was if something in life drove me insane. Well, guess what, life in grad school was getting me there barely weeks into it.
It was September 2012, I had just left the financial aid office the third time that week where I was told that my financial aid/school loan application which I completed in July 2012 was not processed. So my tuition and housing weren’t paid for, I couldn’t buy textbooks which cost an arm and a leg and I was pursuing a degree that wasn’t/isn’t “typical” in the African community so who do I call to ask for financial assistance while waiting for financial aid to kick in before I am kicked out of the program? I did have a letter that stated the application was processed but the financial aid office was yet to receive it; something wasn’t adding up. So what do you do when…?
I had about $2000 in checking, about $1000 in savings, a $700 unused credit card, and a reasonably functioning 2004 used car which I drove about 7hours with from Maryland to Massachusetts and the car insurance of $600 due by December for the next six months. I was in a new territory away from family and friends, with no known relatives in the area. I had done some job searching from retail/cashier, to a home aide, to a residential assistant for individuals with a disability but looking at my class schedule, most of the jobs I found were not flexible enough to accommodate that and the locations were all over the place.
It was probably the second week into September 2012 when I left the financial aid office the third time, I found myself at the center of the campus when my binder suddenly dropped from my hand and the binder rings popped open. I didn’t have the energy to pick them up so I just sat on the pavement and watched the wind blow the papers away. I’m not sure how long I sat there but as the papers were flying, I noticed a yellow paper that caught my attention. I somehow dragged myself up, went to the paper, and realized it had the list of resources available on campus one of which was counseling services and fitness classes. One of the exercise classes for that day was… you guess right! The Insanity Workout by Shaun T.
Prior to this moment, I had never considered seeking counseling. I took a course in counseling psychology in undergrad so I had a vague idea of what it was like but I battled with the notion that going to therapy meant I had a mental health condition. Even with that thought process, I felt the need to talk to a “stranger” who would listen from a different perspective. So I found the strength to pick-up my binder and walked to the counseling center. I signed up to receive counseling once a week which continued for the duration of the grad school program while school was in session. After my first intake session, I decided to go try out the Insanity Workout. I always kept workout clothes in the trunk of my car; so I grabbed them and went to the class. I must say it was a good way to take out my frustrations, I kept going two to three times per week for the duration of the semester.
I must say seeking counseling was the best decision I ever made. It didn’t eliminate life challenges, it helped me realize how my thought process amplified situations or how I was self-limiting or how I was unconsciously holding on to the past or holding onto something in the present that wasn’t there or expecting others to act/respond a certain way, or feeling entitled or blaming others for things I had no control over or trying to control things that I couldn’t.
So the theory part of the grad school was drawing to an end in December 2014, the thought that the counseling sessions were ending gave me anxiety. My counselor gave me a gift with a heartwarming message.
Back in Maryland, from January 2015 to June 2015 I did fieldwork (aka clinical/non-paid internship) Mondays to Fridays in addition to working 8hours overnight on Fridays and 16hours on Saturdays and Sundays. I barely had a social life. Funny how the mini extrovert side of me was trying to override the major introvert side of me during those years in grad school. I was granted a break from fieldwork to go attend the commencement ceremony back in Massachusetts which took place in May. Initially, I didn’t think I was going to attend it because of the workload but my supervisor made it happen. The graduation party took place in June. By August, my classmates were posting on Facebook about passing their board exam and I had not even registered, so what do you do when…?
So I deactivated my Facebook account (I haven’t reactivated it since then) that same month and registered to take the exam by the end of October. In September my youngest brother became seriously ill and in early October I experienced the most heartbreaking betrayal EVER relationship related. It was my first experience of how emotional pain can be mind-numbing. You know how you can take medications for a headache or any physical pain or put heat/ice on a hurting joint and it somewhat feels better? Besides going for long walks and driving in silence to sometimes unknown destinations and using the GPS to return, nothing else helped.
During this time, I did contemplate seeking counseling services but I didn’t follow through because I felt like I did not want to depend on counseling. Besides I was out of school so I would have to pay for it. I had Medicaid insurance at the time so I assumed the copay was no joke. With that and my brother’s health on my mind, I couldn’t study so I postponed the board exam to November before thanksgiving week because it was the holiday season; thanksgiving, Christmas then New Year. It would have been too much distraction to study including working. I was charged for postponing the exam, money that I didn’t budget for; so add financial burden to emotional pain. The good thing is I wasn’t paying any rent at the time. My only bills were car insurance, phone bill, and taking care of my basic necessities.
Three days before the November exam date, I fell sick and was diagnosed with an upper respiratory tract infection; I started treatment right away. I didn’t want to postpone the exam again. It was more expensive to postpone this time because it was close to the scheduled date. I had not told anyone about taking the exam. Uber wasn’t a thing back then, getting a taxi/cab wasn’t within the budget given the distance and I’m not into inconveniencing people to render me a favor especially since it was last minute and I didn’t want to explain to anyone why I was going to that location. So what do you do when…?
So I drove myself there. I just wanted to get the exam over with. I said to myself, if I don’t pass, then I’ll retake it hopefully with less emotional stress/pain the second time around. I just didn’t want the year to end without at least trying. I don’t recall answering all the questions before the timer went off and the testing screen closed out. I went to my car, took a nap then drove home. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder.
The results were out a week later. I was at work, I had worked 8hours overnight. I logged into my account and the first thing I saw was PASSED. I took a picture then refreshed the screen to see if it will change but it didn’t. I logged out and logged back in and it still said PASSED. I went to my car. I took a nap, drove home. I logged in on my laptop and the results didn’t change. I logged into the home desktop and got the same results. Do I need to say I was in disbelief that I passed? I checked my results for the next three days and then I shared with family and friends. I would say I didn’t feel comfortable sharing nor asking for anything relating to my journey in the undergrad or grad school because I was pursuing a degree that wasn’t understood and still isn’t understood by a good number of people around me. So I had to do a lot of figuring out on my own.
I later received my certificate via mail with the numerical results. I had 450/600, the minimum required score for passing. My heart stopped for a few seconds. Recounting this got me teary-eyed. My journey from 2009 in undergrad, to my unpleasant experience in grad school (details for another day) to the very trying year of 2015, was about to be over… I can’t put the feelings into words. I had some emotional healing to do, so I decided I won’t start the job searching until after the New Year but it dragged through till the end of January. During this time I reflected on what I had learned during counseling in grad school and did a lot of reading on emotions and the mind for self-healing.
The first week in February 2016, I posted my resume around 9 AM, by 11 AM I had two interviews scheduled for that week. By mid-February, I had two job offers but they didn’t sit well with me. By the end of February, I reconnected with a friend whom we went to community college together. He was the first African (Nigerian) I knew to study in the field, had recently graduated and was working. He had shared some suggestions/resources on how to study for the board exam. It turns out he was in contact with the regional manager of a location where I did the first portion of my fieldwork/clinical/rotation. That regional manager was looking to fill an open position. Per the regional manager’s words during our communication via text; “based on your work ethic during your time with us, you are hired.” I was in disbelief, he asked for my email and by the next day, I received an offer letter. The rest they say is history…
So what do you do when life throws you curveballs or there’s a sudden stop sign, red light, yield sign, crossroad, speed bump, extremely curvy ramp, exit? I think it all depends on the options available; stop and take a moment to reflect on your why. Why am I thinking/feeling this way, why do I want this to be this or that way? Counseling services can be expensive and sometimes the waiting time to see a counselor could be weeks. Last year I took a class to become a Mental Health First Aider; it’s like CPR for Mental Health. I learned a lot about a number of resources, some of which provide options for those with low income. Link
As I type this, I am reminded of a Stuck in The Middle interview which discusses mental health in the African/African-American community; a topic that is shunned in our community and needs to be addressed more. Link
I am generally on the quiet side depending on the topic of discussion so I have come to realize that my silence may give off the impression that my life has been smooth and dandy. I would say it has taken me a while to write in the first person (I) and share this much depth about me. In my earlier writings, I typically wrote in the third person because it is easier and it deflects attention. Sitting here, recounting/writing this which has taken me years to share this experience in this much depth, I have come to appreciate who I am and who I am becoming more now than before. And with that said, may I share that I am working on bringing to life the book I’ve been writing in my head since 2017. Inspired by Achu Ebong Mba (aka Riflex) the newest published Author in town; No Such Thing As Halfway. Grab a copy if you haven’t yet and joint to the conversation.